Wednesday, September 4, 2013

All those fairy tales are full of..............

You know how TV shows how three minute re-caps at the beginning of the new season? 
That is what this post is - and compacted detail free version of my story.  
It’s a simple story.  I’m not the first person to live it  and I surely won't be the last.

Once upon a time……..

Boy meets girl

Boy and Girl date

Boy and Girl fall in love

Boy and Girl move in together

Boy and Girl build a home

Boy and Girl get engaged

Boy and Girl get married

Boy and Girl have Baby #1 and Baby # 2

Boy and Girl move to Chicago

Boy forgets he is married

Boy gets a girlfriend (Insert appropriate derogatory name here)

Girl finds out

Girl gets a lawyer

Girl gets an apartment

Girl gets a U-Haul

Girl moves ‘home’

Girl & Boy get divorced

Boy keeps her– The End

Girl survived – The end? 

Nah, this is just the beginning.


Friday, March 22, 2013

Ink Me

I love tattoos. 

I love them on me.

I love them other people.

Tattoos are works of art.  Tattoos tell stories. 

Many tattoos are pieces of our hearts that we put on the outside of our bodies. Pieces of who we really are and what really matters to us.

I've recently added one to my collection.  This one is, by far, my most personal and means the most to me.

As most, a few, none, all some of you know I am in the process of getting divorced. Although I haven't posted much on this blog I did write about it here.  Since I've stopped wearing my wedding ring (Yes, I could tell you the exact day) I've missed having a piece of my mother with me.  You see, the diamond setting in my wedding band was the diamond from my mother's wedding ring. So basically every day since May 3, 2003 I would look at my wedding ring and be reminded of the marriage vows I took to love,honor and cherish but I was also reminded of my mother.   Suddenly, it was  all gone.  The husband, the partner, the best friend  and that small connection to my mom just gone.  They might have left in very different ways but both exits left a hole in my heart so big and so wide I've often questioned how I will ever survive.

For years I have wanted to get some ink in honor of my mother and I decided what better time than right now. 

My latest tattoo.  It's on my wrist (Sorry dad, don't stay mad at me for too long..... I swear I am still a good kid).  Of course, I know I didn't really need the ring or the tattoo because my mom is with me mind, body, and spirit all the time.  I wanted something that on any given day when I felt alone, scared, and wondering exactly how I will survive I could look at this a find some peace. 

The  I love you  Love, Mom - is my mother's actual handwriting and this was taken directly from the last birthday card she gave me before she died.  The heart and flower are designs that from the card.  

I love everything about this tattoo. This a big piece of my heart for all of the world to see. 

It makes me smile.

It makes me want to live a life that my mother would be proud of.

It is helping me move on from a very painful event.

It gives me hope for the future.

Love and miss you Momma. XOXO


Monday, January 14, 2013

Bean: The 2013 Interview

January 5, 2013

Age: 8


Cereal: Rice Crispies

 Vegetable: Corn  

 Drink: Soda – Purple Crush

 Toy: Furby – Roxanne

 TV Show: Kickin It

 Game: Life

 Book: Diary of A Wimpy Kid – Third Wheel

 Restaurant: CiCi’s Pizza

 Holiday: Christmas

 Animal: Pig

 If you could change your name, what would you choose? Jamie  

 What do you love about each person in our family?

Mommy:  She buys us fun toys and she takes care of us. 

Daddy:  He spends time with me and he buys me fun toys

Ryann:  She is a good sister because she play with me and let’s me use her stuff.

 Where would you like to go on vacation this year? I would like to go to Disney World so I can see the princesses and costumes.

 What are some of your wishes for this year?  I would like to get a mini ipad and a computer.

P.S.  She 'borrowed' about 75% of her sister's answers.  See, I've taught them to share well. 


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A Monkey Interview - 2013



January 2, 2013

Age: 6


 Cereal: Rice Crispies

 Vegetable: Oh, I don’t like any vegetables

 Drink: Apple Juice

 Toy: My new guitar because I can play music and I want to be rock star

 TV Show: Victorious

 Game: Life

 Book: East of the Sun & West of the Moon

 Restaurant: CiCi’s Pizza

 Holiday: Christmas

 Animal: Horses

 If you could change your name, what would you choose? Alyssa

 What do you love about each person in our family?

Mommy:  She buys me toys, cuddles, and helps me do stuff.  She loved me bunches

Daddy:  He spends lots of time with me. I like to play with daddy and he loves me very much

Maggie:  She is a good sister because she lets me play with her stuff.

 Where would you like to go on vacation this year? Disney so I can eat breakfast with a princess.  You know I am not scared of people in costumes any more.

 What are some of your wishes for this year?  That I get taller when I turn 7 and that I get good birthday presents like a Mini ipad.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

2012 - The Craptastic Year in Review

I totally stole this from Aunt Becky she commanded me to complete this meme and I always do what I am told so here it is.
1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

 I took a stand for what I knew was right and I did what I needed to do to save myself.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

 Nope, I honestly can’t even remember what they were but I am sure if was something about being healthy and losing weight.

This year?  Simple is key.  I will floss every day.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Define close?  Like was someone standing next to me at the grocery store delivering a child in checkout lane 21 ?  No, no one that ‘close’ to me gave birth.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

 No, thank goodness

5. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

A sense of style?  Mad kitchen skills?

6. What countries did you visit?

The Country of ‘Holy Crap, my life went to hell this year, didn’t it?’  For the record, it’s a horribly shitty ass place to visit.  I don’t recommend it and I’m quite certain that Travelocity Gnome avoids it like the plague. 

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

August 28th, 2012

Why ?  That was my first day of visiting the country mentioned in question #6.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I did a lot this year that I am proud of so I will just list a couple things……. I can successfully make ice and unload the dish washer without additional adult supervision.

9. What was your biggest failure?

 Oh, you silly silly Meme…… I think anyone who knows me at all knows the answer to this one. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Sure, how much time do you have??? 

11. What was the best thing you bought?


12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

 Mine because I didn’t physically harm a few people that I have fantasized about hurting.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Once again I was disappointed in Lindsay Lohan’s choices and behavior.  I really thought 2012 was going to be her year to get back on track.  I was really looking forward to a new Herbie movie or maybe a Freaky Friday Reunion show.   Come on Linds, get it together.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Alcohol and diet coke
Moving expenses, and lawyers

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

 The rumor about The Arrested Development movie, getting into grad school,  getting that (damned) swimming pool, attending the OSU vs Michigan game. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

The entire Adele 21 album

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?  I think this is a trick question – some days I am happier and other days suck

ii. thinner or fatter?  Thinner

iii. richer or poorer?  No comment

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spying on people, and being nosey

Or maybe more random acts of kindness

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Plotting revenge

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it with my family

21.  The perpetually lost question

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?

 Sure, I fell in love with Kirk H ( again ) during college football, pretty much the entire men’s swimming team (during the Olympics), and with Pinterest.

23. How many one-night stands?

I knew this question would be a challenge since my social calendar has been hopping this year.  But, no worries I checked with Suri who was able to check my entire schedule for 2012 and the answer is a resounding…………….. ZERO!  

24. What was your favorite TV program?

I don’t have time for TV (says the snobby ‘I’m in school now’ girl) but when I do I like to watch Intervention, The Soup, and any other ridiculousness I can find.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is a strong word.  I try really hard not to feel  hate for anyone but let’s just say I have some serious dislike  for a few new folks this year. 

26. What was the best book you read?

Hmmm, honestly I read too many books to choose just one.  For someone who loves books it’s like asking a parent to pick a favorite child.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

As I scroll through my iPod I’ve discovered that I really need to expand my music library.

28. What did you want and get?

I wanted to be rich. I wanted a peaceful 2012 – what did I get?  A flipping sh*t storm of drama.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

 I can’t say I am a movie person.  I don’t go to the movies much and when I do it’s to see kid movies.

Gosh, I have crappy answers to this meme, don’t I?  I don’t watch TV, I don’t watch movies, I read a lot.  Blah, blah, blah.

The Batman movie was cool-ish

And the Hunger Games was decent

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

 I turned 40.   I spent the day with my family eating turkey.  Just to clarify my family doesn’t typically celebrate birthdays with a turkey or anything odd like that.   My birthday happened to fall on Thanksgiving this year.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

 Revenge or maybe a better stereo in my Swagger Wagon?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

 Comfy (not so) chic?

Pants optional

34. What kept you sane?

My army of family and friends.  Writing – even though I just started posting some of the stuff on my blog I write / journal  all the time.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Because this question uses the word ‘fancy’ I feel like I need the answer to be a British celebrity / public figure. So I am picking one of each:

 Kate Winslet and Prince Harry.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Is the hokey pokey really what it’s all about?

37. Who did you miss?

My Illinios friends
The Hoff

Barry Manilow

And, as always, my momma.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

I’ve met a few fun people this year.  The best?  My therapist

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  Stand up for yourself and stop tolerating less than you deserve .

And, knives are sharp and ice is slippery.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

 ‘Love will not betray you, dismay you or enslave you- it will set you free.’  - Mumford And Sons

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas to all ~


May the Christmas season
fill your home with joy,
your heart with love
and your life with laughter.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Twas Two Days Before Christmas........

My new normal is something that I haven’t quite figured out.   After three months I’m still not sure what in hell I’m doing.  I go through the motions.  I can do it all.  I manage to work, got through my first quarter of grad school (4.0 ya’ll  - recognize), see friends and family.  Live life.

But every day is hard.  

Weekends are even more challenging. 

Last month I had a birthday (my 40th) and my first major holiday in 17 years that I didn’t get to celebrate those events with my husband, my best friend.  Right now I don’t have the words to express how that felt.  I can tell you when the reality of it hit me I found myself sobbing uncontrollably in the shower until I ran out of hot water (which for the record, isn’t long at all when you live in an apartment) and then for a while in the freezing cold water because I couldn’t bring myself to get up.  Eventually I got up, got ready, and met my husband to drop the girls off.  It was all a blur and even while I was doing it I couldn’t believe that that was what my family life had become.  

Here I am tonight, two days before Christmas and I am sitting in my apartment alone*.  My husband and children are celebrating Christmas with my in-laws.  The family that for so many years I’ve celebrated the holidays with is together tonight sharing joy, love and laughter.  They are driving around looking at Christmas lights, drinking hot cocoa and watching The Polar Express.

I am here.


Honestly, I have no idea how to process that. 

There have been so many times in the last 20 years that I have missed my mom so much that it takes my breath away.  Right now, where I am in life has been one of those times.  Even at 40 years old sometimes all we want or need is to hear our mother’s tell us “It’s going to be okay.”

Sadly, Momma’s not here to tell me everything will be okay.  I am lucky to have an army of family and friends who remind me every day that I am blessed and that I am loved. 

So, what will I do?  I will take this time be grateful that my daughters have a father who loves them every much. I will be happy for them because they get to spent this special time with family.  I will look forward to seeing their beautiful faces tomorrow and hearing all about their visit with daddy, grandma, grandpa, Aunt S, and cousins.  

But for now,  I will do what I do every day.

Breathe, just breathe.



*Not 100% true. My wonderful dog Madison Jackson McQuire Schultz is here with me.